One Thing Every Parent Should Know About Praising Their Child

The words we choose in moments of praise shape how children see themselves. Make them count.

Most parents want to encourage their children. The intention is good. But sometimes, one small word gets in the way.

"Good job... but..."

That single word - "but" - can cancel everything that came before it. When a child hears praise followed immediately by criticism, they tend to stop processing the praise altogether. What stays with them is the correction. The moment of celebration disappears, and what they walk away with is the feeling that they did not quite measure up.

This is not about being overly sensitive. It is how children's brains are wired to process feedback. They are still building their sense of self, and every interaction teaches them something about how they are seen.

What a Backhanded Compliment Actually Does

Consider this: "Look how well you did in your maths, but you should really work on your English."

The parent saying this means well. They want their child to improve. But by combining a positive with a negative in the same breath, they have created a mixed message. The praise loses its weight. The child now associates their maths achievement with a shortcoming, rather than a success.

This type of praise mixes positive with negative, and it chips away at two things children need most: confidence and motivation.

When children feel that praise always comes with a catch, they begin to distrust it. They stop believing compliments. They start waiting for the "but."

Let the Positive Stand on Its Own; how to praise your child

The shift is simple, and it makes a real difference.

Instead of: "Look how well you did in your maths, but you should really work on your English," try: "I'm so proud of how hard you worked on your maths today. You never gave up!"

Notice what changes. The achievement is the whole message. There is no qualifying statement. The child hears, fully and without condition, that they did something worth celebrating.

Here are a few more examples of praise that lands well:

• "I'm proud of how hard you worked."

• "You really improved!"

• "You kept trying even when it was difficult."

Each of these is specific, sincere, and complete. None of them require the child to also hear what they still need to fix.

Why This Matters More Than You Think

Kids thrive on encouragement that lifts them up. Words that bring them down, even when sandwiched between kind ones, leave a mark.

Genuine praise does three things. It builds confidence, because the child learns that their effort has real value. It builds motivation, because they want to keep working toward something they know will be seen and celebrated. And it builds connection, because the child feels safe and accepted exactly as they are in that moment.

You do not have to ignore areas that need improvement. There is a time and a place for constructive guidance. But that conversation should be separate, not attached to a moment of praise. Let the positive moment stand alone. Let your child feel it fully, before moving on to anything else.

Praise what matters. Watch them flourish.

Want to know more about how to support your child's emotional development?

Contact Heske at heske@thefamcentre.co.za or WhatsApp us on 063 352 5671.

The F.A.M. & Therapy Centre offers therapeutic support and life coaching for families navigating everyday challenges, including parenting pressure, relationship strain, and family conflict. We are here to help your family find clarity, support, and healing.

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